Nobody Wants This & The Reinvention of Romance

Toxicity is so 2023.

NB. This post contains light spoilers for Nobody Wants This. Nothing that would ruin the show for you, though!

Like everyone, I binged the new Netflix romantic comedy series Nobody Wants This in a single evening. I’d heard a lot about it, but I have to admit that as someone who struggles to get through an episode of Emily in Paris without wincing, my expectations weren’t high. This may be bold, but for me, Netflix haven’t produced a genuinely good rom-com since 2018’s Set It Up. Nonetheless, I gave it a chance on Friday night, and oh my goodness did I fall in love!

For those of you who haven’t seen the show, first of all, what have you been doing with your week?! Second of all, Adam Brody of 00s heartthrob fame plays hot Rabbi Noah who falls for Joanne (Kristen Bell, who is elite in this). Joanne co-hosts a podcast about sex and relationships with her sister, and she also happens to be agnostic, which puts their relationship under stress because Noah’s family want him to marry a Jewish woman. That’s a very brief overview just for a little bit of context, but it’s not the plot that we’re going to be focusing on today. I’d highly recommend you watch it, though!

The casting, the chemistry, the humour, the outfits - it ticked all my boxes and gave me hope for a modern rom-com renaissance. There are so many aspects of the show that I could focus in on, and I’ll be honest it was a close tie between the topic I’ve chosen and the depiction of women in the show. I adore Justine Lupe’s character Morgan, I need to see more of her, and Jackie Tohn made me cackle as Esther. Also Emily Arlook as Rebecca broke my heart, I love how they didn’t make me hate the ex, it was a very refreshing take.

I tend to feel a sense of anxiety when a new romantic comedy is released these days. I have seen numerous in recent years that left me wondering whether the genre was just extinct - had screenwriters forgotten how to make a movie charming and warm and giggly? So it seemed. The storylines are repetitive and predictable, the humour is mediocre, and the leading actors seem to lack the magnetic pull that typically keeps my eyes glued to the screen and rooting for their happy ending. Imagine my surprise when I watched Nobody Wants This and witnessed something I had never seen before on my television screen.

Is that -

Sorry. I -

Was that… a healthy relationship?

Nobody Wants This, Netflix

I swear to God it was a jump scare every time Adam Brody appeared on my screen speaking words designed to put Kristen Bell’s character at ease. You can seriously tell that this show was written by a woman.

Whenever we were met with a fracture between them, I was expecting the whole thing to shatter and we’d have a crying montage a la Something’s Gotta Give. I was struck by the way my brain seems to be conditioned to expect a downfall, a betrayal, a glimpse of toxicity. That just wasn’t something that happened here… and it was so nice.

I am guilty of daydreaming of a rom-com style affair that will sweep me off my feet, but the reality is I don’t want the drama, the heartbreak, the anxiety of a will-they-won’t-they plot line. I would like a relationship that bores people half to death with its lack of tension. I can completely relate to Joanne’s character at the beginning of the show, anticipating and expecting something to go wrong. For this not to happen was a beautiful sight to see, if a little surprising.

I found myself laughing at Joanne over-analysing the time it took Noah to reply to one of her messages. I have done the exact same thing in the past, and it’s so stressful! I think I’ve learnt to just expect it; texting when dating is like a cruel game. Half the time the message hasn’t even been formulated by the person you think you’re talking to. Despite eventually coming to the conclusion that Noah must hate her, Joanne is taken by surprise to find that he had a completely innocent explanation for his poor texting, and he’s more than happy to comfort her and reassure her. The most important part of this whole scenario, however, is that Joanne learns from it, and carefully takes down a brick from her wall. There are so many other instances of this happening.

For example, in episode six, entitled “The Ick”, Noah makes it his mission to make a good impression when meeting Joanne’s family, which ends up being a turnoff for her. I thought this would end with an argument, however it actually resulted in Noah earnestly telling Joanne, “I’m on your side, I can handle you”. Noah demonstrates a clear understanding of Joanne’s anxieties about opening up. It’s evident that she does not need to reduce herself down or squeeze into a mould to satisfy Noah; he is willing to take her as she is, understand what makes her tick, learn about her feelings, and roll with it. Joanne, who is not used to this kind of emotionally mature behaviour in relationships, does her best to go against her own instincts and allows herself to trust Noah. The show affirms that relationships are work: it takes effort to tolerate and accept someone wholly and show them the love and respect that they need.

There was a time where I considered a screaming match in the pouring rain peak romance (as long as it was followed up by an oversized bouquet of flowers). Perhaps this was youth and immaturity, but to be honest I think this is how romance films taught me to understand love. Passion was heated, it was anger and jealousy, bitterness sweetened by a well-timed kiss. Joanne and Noah are helping me un-learn this. I’m starting to think that passion is allowing yourself to be vulnerable even when it’s scary.

Anyone But You (2023)

And so it turns out rom-coms can be a really bad example for relationships!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Anyone But You, but the whole relationship dynamic between Bea (Sydney Sweeney) and Ben (Glenn Powell) was based solely on insecurity and immaturity. Their issue began when Bea left Ben’s apartment out of fear, and Ben slandering her for it to his best friend. If Bea and Ben would have just talked it out in the same way Noah and Joanne did, they would have avoided all the unnecessary drama. Admittedly we wouldn’t have a movie, but that’s besides the point. Imagine how attractive it would have been if Bea was honest about her feelings, and Ben listened carefully, then put her at ease. I think that Nobody Wants This has demonstrated that you can have an entertaining romantic comedy without making one or both of the characters toxic. Healthy relationships are fun to watch too - who knew?!

Or what about The Wedding Planner - Matthew McConaughey plays the most charming doctor, but let’s not forget he agrees to a date with Jennifer Lopez when he is still engaged to somebody else! That is truly terrible behaviour, let’s not pretend. Yes, we can argue that he was never meant to be with his fiancé, but in truth he should have just broken up with her before pursuing another woman.

Turning to the ultimate example of a toxic relationship, Ross and Rachel were doomed from the very beginning. Terrible communication, jealousy, insecurity, lack of understanding and empathy, and I’m sorry but Ross did not want to see Rachel succeed. He didn’t want to be her cheerleader unless it was in a situation that benefitted him. I cannot get on board with Ross as hard as I try. Yes, they were on a break, but in what world would you then sleep with another woman within mere hours of a distressing breakup? Atrocious! But I digress.

Alanna Duffield

wrote an amazing piece about The Nice Guy complex, in which she wrote:

Obviously it’s frustrating when our affection for someone isn’t shared. It’s happened to me plenty of times (without throwing things, I might add), but the healthier thing to do is look inwards. Instead of boiling over and yelling, why won’t women love me!? Perhaps ask why don’t women love me? Why don’t women feel emotionally safe with me? Why do they feel as though I’m untrustworthy? Am I untrustworthy? How can I work on bettering myself on the inside, rather than the outside?

Here is a character who finally achieves these things. A man who can handle a woman who is, like all women, a three dimensional being with feelings, thoughts, attitudes, a personality, someone who takes up their own space. There’s no ulterior motive. It’s worth noting that Noah and Joanne’s relationship is not without its flaws, however it’s the way in which they work together to diffuse the tension and navigate their way back to a place where both of their needs are met that differentiates them from other relationships on screen.

With reality shows like Love Island, Too Hot To Handle and Love Is Blind normalising toxicity within modern relationships, it can feel like dating is doomed from the offset. Perhaps the outpouring of love for Nobody Wants This demonstrates that we, as a society, have a collective craving for healthy relationships. We’re pining for comfort, support, and care. Maybe if we see more of this, society will follow suit?

I’m ready for Nobody Wants This to redefine romance for good.