Click here to find yourself.

The endless search for who we are, and how to get there.

Barbie (2023)

I have a confession to make. I downloaded Instagram again.

*audible gasps*

No, I know. Totally out of character and I hated every second of it. I lasted four days, had three followers and winced every time I opened the app so it’s gone again. Permanent deletion. Never doing it again. Wasn’t worth it. I followed Taylor Swift and she didn’t post anything, so… wasted.

However, it did give me source material for two posts, one of which needs a bit more thought so hang tight for that, but this one I’m prepared to freestyle. Buckle in. I’m tossing my coin into the wishing well that is self-care/introspection/self-discovery. I have some thoughts. I don’t as of yet have a conclusion, but we’ll see where we end up. A little bit of spontaneity can’t hurt me!

SO, the video I stumbled across was of National Trej Joanna Lumley who was talking to a man about self-discovery, and whether she thinks she has ‘found herself’:

‘I think there’s too much self-exploration, I think we’re all as dull as dishwater. If you’ve been born in yourself, you know yourself, so when they say “what did you discover about yourself on this short journey?” You go “nothing, because I was here all the time.” So I don’t understand that question. Because I like reading books and looking at paintings and talking to people and hearing new ideas and things. I think if you keep on trying to find out who you are… again, quite a short road.’

and the interviewer says, ‘So you’ve never been one for self-reflection or introspection?’

and she replies, ‘I can’t see the point - also I’m as shallow as a puddle, so again it’s just - bang, gone.’

And for a second this conversation backfired because I immediately started thinking of myself. I’m not sure whether that’s just because she mentioned it though, like, you know when someone says ‘don’t think of a pink elephant’? I thought back to a time not that long ago, maybe two-three years, where my head was consumed with thoughts of myself. Nothing in particular, but myself all the same. It sounds egotistical written down, but we all do it. I thought about how I was perceived, about how I perceived myself, did I like myself? Was I enough? Lost in a maze of self-perception.

I can see why this all matters — we are inescapable, never truly alone when the voice inside our head identifies even the briefest silence. It’s important that we like ourselves, that we know ourselves well enough to be able to care for ourselves properly. But this, I feel, is where the self-indulgence should end.

Introspection is a dangerous game. A great deal of us are self-proclaimed over-thinkers, and so introspection is like drinking from a poisoned chalice. I can only speak for myself, because as much as I would like to, I can’t read your minds, but the longer I sit with something the more likely I am to pick it apart like a dried up scab. A little bit of self-curiosity becomes uncontrollable self-loathing oozing out of me and a bandage of positive affirmation isn’t strong enough to secure the wound.

After aggressively digging through myself trying to find the hidden me, I would apply my skincare whilst reciting things like ‘I am worthy’ and ‘the universe has my back’. Umm, act like it then?

NB: I realise the irony and hypocrisy of me telling you that introspection is unproductive while simultaneously telling you all about myself. Never claimed to be perfect.

I would instead like to make the case for self-simplification. As Joanna puts it, “I was there the whole time”. We can understand ourselves without pulling ourselves apart in the process.

This is what I’m getting at!

The more time we spend trying to identify all these different things about ourselves, the less time we spend simply being who we are. By all means spend your days fretting over becoming your ‘true self’, it’s no skin off my nose, but, if you don’t mind my saying, the harder you try, the less authentic it is. If you don’t come naturally to you, what’s the point?

There’s also so many other things we could be thinking about that really feed our minds and help us to grow in a way that doesn’t feel insincere. Bury your nose in a book - any book, it doesn’t have to be meaningful, just get lost in the story. Go and volunteer and talk to some new people and hear about what they’re doing. Teach yourself how to play the ukulele. When I was younger I went to an all-girls’ school (a story for another time) and we used to say if your boobs itch, it means they’re growing. I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, however I sometimes wonder if when we start looking inwards and it feels claustrophobic, is that us itching for growth? To expand our horizons?

Again, my self-exploration is clouding my argument that we have taken it all too far!

“Protecting my peace” is a phrase I’m hearing a lot at the minute, and I totally see the relevance of it and why it’s necessary given the state of the world and the inescapable chaos. That being said, I worry that if we protect our peace too much, we’ll end up isolating ourselves. There’s a very fine line between self-care and introspection, and isolation and loneliness.

There’s a great clip from Made in Chelsea (rare!) where they’re talking about someone - don’t know who - who claims to have found herself in Bali. I’m 90% sure the only reason people go to Bali is because they think they’re going to find themselves. They’d save SO much money if they just remembered to look in the mirror. But Liv Bentley graciously awakens us all:

‘Well, yeah, cause you’re on bloody holiday. Most of us are our true selves on holiday. Tits out, tequilas… you don’t find yourself in Chelsea!’

@e4I often find myself drinking tequila #MadeInChelsea #MIC

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God, so! true! Quickest way to find your authentic self is at the all-inclusive breakfast buffet. I’m somewhere nestled between the streaky bacon and pain au chocolat.

Perhaps part of it is the fact that we’re all so bogged down in routine. For most of us, life is waking up at 6.30 and getting ready to drive to work, completing our 9-5, interacting with the same pool of people, and returning home to cook a quick dinner and catch up on whatever Netflix show we’re currently binging. You repeat a routine so many times, you end up in auto-pilot, and the passion seeps away until eventually you see a girl with a green juice and a teal bikini telling you that you need to find yourself, and then your life will change forever. And of course, the answer to finding yourself is hair supplements and hot pilates and washing your vegetables and reducing your screen time. None of these are bad things, but I’m pretty sure they’re not the things that make you your true self.

I think the moments when you’re really feeling are the moments that you find yourself. Whether that’s when you’re crying with laughter at somebody’s stupid joke, or numb with anger at injustice on the news. Screaming from excitement when Taylor Swift announces a new re-recording, calling a friend when you’re beside yourself with boredom — we interrogate ourselves to find the truth, as if we’ve been lying to ourselves all along. If we actually listened, we wouldn’t need to try so hard. We can see ourselves reflected back in the things we care about. We’re constantly uncovering parts of ourselves when we’re not looking.

There’s nothing to be “found”. You never went anywhere.

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