Things I've Done That Perhaps I Shouldn't Have

No regrets, just lessons learned.

• My first job was in retail. One day a man came in and told me he had written an original song, and could he perform it for me and will I sing backing vocals. I said yes, because I don’t know how to say no, apparently, and he made me sing it then and there and I didn’t know whether I wanted a customer to come in and rescue me or whether they should just walk on by to save me from the embarrassment of my own decision making.

• Watched Knock at the Cabin.

• Drove at the max speed limit on my driving test during a rain storm. Got yelled at by the examiner, but passed anyway.

• Failed to eat before a flight, and fainted during boarding. Nearly wasn’t let on the plane, and, in turn, nearly ruined the family holiday.

• Gone to university.

• Gave a premier league footballer his man of the match award, told him I thought he played “really well” despite them losing, and offered him a high-five.

• After a bad incident at university, turned up to a lecture the following day wearing a colourful knitted scarf, a rainbow knitted jumper, a denim bucket hat, and pink glittery eye shadow.

• Cried in front of Fearne Cotton because I liked her book.

• When I was at school, a group of us bumped into a Bake Off finalist on the train. There was a girl in our year who was obsessed with this man. BESOTTED. I told her I would get his autograph for her. Unfortunately he signed it to me. I should have told him her name. She cried.

• Asked one of my Grandmother’s friends to cut me Matilda Djerf-style hair, and ended up with a mullet the day before moving into my first year university flat.

• Got lost driving to Nottingham and ended up on the wrong side of the road, which I only noticed when a massive DFS lorry came pelting towards me. Sorry to that man.

• DM’ed Chris Hughes from Love Island ideas for sheep names.

• Was picked on by an ex-friend in secondary school. We were in the same PE class, and one day we were playing table tennis. She was shouting things at me, so in an act of retaliation, I aimed my next pass at her head. I missed.

• Took graphic design in sixth form.

• Overshared.

• Offered a pizza to a dog who was lactose intolerant. He declined.

• Reassured a past therapist when she asked me if I thought she was in the right relationship. He was an ex-convict with a cat allergy, and she had two kittens.

• Ate prawns at a restaurant in 2008.

• Texted somebody when I shouldn’t. Twice.

• Read the texts aloud for friends to critique.

• Cooked pasta for someone who didn’t appreciate it.

• Watched the movie Man Up.

• I used to go to drama classes. One class, the teacher made us sit around in a “truth circle” and each share a secret. I don’t know what the purpose of this exercise was supposed to be, but I didn’t have any secrets. None at all. The secrets being shared were deep, like, a kid stealing money to buy drugs, another boy came out to us, another girl confessed to spreading rumours about someone at her school. When it came to my turn, I revealed that I’d eaten three bourbon biscuits at lunch, when I knew I was only allowed two.

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