Sunny Side Up #5: On Authenticity & Turkey Dinosaurs
I have a point I promise!
Guys.
is BACK!! Ok, apparently she’s been back for about a month now, but I only found out on Monday, and it’s given me a new lease of life this week. I’ve watched all her new videos, her podcast with Giovanna Fletcher, caught up on all the Substacks, I’m fully invested all over again. Not only is she back and better than ever, but she’s emerged as the woman of my dreams. She is the epitome of chic and I’m obsesssssed. She’s all I want to be. Who remembers the days of Tanya Burr Cosmetics and Tanya Bakes? Picnic in the Park lip gloss?! You really had to be there. I remember running home from school to catch up on videos from the British YouTube gang.I think what’s noticeable about Tanya’s re-emergence is how content and settled she seems within herself, and that’s something I want to talk about in today’s post: being authentic to yourself. Tanya took five years away from YouTube, and has made it clear that she wouldn’t have opened herself up again if it didn’t feel like something that was true to her and the life she wants to build. When we make decisions, a lot of the time I think we can tell deep down whether it’s the right one or not. If I’m not sure about something, I’ll toss a coin and if I feel a little disappointed with the outcome, I know it wasn’t the right one.
How do we know if a decision is right? I suppose we can never be certain at the time, but intuition is everything. Something I also think is really helpful is making a list of your values - family, career, health etc. - and then weighing up how your decision aligns with these values.
There’s choices I’ve made that I only followed through with because they fitted with others’ expectations. I’m a self-proclaimed people pleaser, so this hasn’t been the easiest thing to overcome, but I’ve found the older I get, the less comfortable I am with making decisions that feel inauthentic.
For example, my decision to go to university was 100% influenced by what I thought was expected of me. I deferred my application for two years before I finally gave in, and even then I only went that year because my deferral would have expired if I’d waited any longer. I’m not saying I didn’t learn any valuable lessons or have some good experiences whilst being there, but it’s definitely something that stands out to me when I think of inauthenticity in my decision making. We live and we learn!
I never felt myself when I was there. It was like I was some strange parallel universe version of me who could never settle. I stopped writing for fun, I didn’t dress like myself anymore, I couldn’t bake (my flat didn’t have an oven, devastating), and I felt socially dislocated at times. I was constantly finding small ways to hit a mini reset button in my brain to get back to myself again when it got too much: escaping to the National Theatre for a solo day out, taking myself to the cinema after a boring lecture, and cooking dinner for my friends.
One of my favourite memories from this time was when I was going through a particularly rough patch: my gorgeous friend Beth invited me to a British tapas night. If you’ve not heard of it, you need to throw one yourself - it’s basically a table full of beige food. Turkey dinosaurs, Yorkshire puddings, baked beans, bread and butter - think all your favourite party food as a child. We had so much fun and it felt like a warm hug. I felt so taken care of.
Point being - even if you make a decision that feels quite overwhelming and maybe like it’s not the right one for you, there’s still glittery moments to be found. Also, you can always change your mind.
Look - sometimes life gets in the way and we can’t always think about ourselves and whether everything we do is going to fit perfectly with our top values, but we can take something from everything we do. I think as long as about 80% of the time we’re doing what’s best for us then we’re doing something right. You’ve got to look out for yourself.
I’m going to take a leaf out of Tanya’s book - when things don’t feel as though they align with me anymore, take a step back and re-evaluate. How does this make me feel? Should I change direction? Do I need a break? Checking in with ourselves seems to be a sensible approach to life’s challenges, big or small.
Have you ever felt like you were on the wrong path? How did you deal with that? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. <3
CATCHING UP | Obvs, obsessively watching Tanya Burr’s new videos. Here she is making a Victoria Sponge.
READING | Emma Reed Turrell’s new book is fascinating!! Loved listening to her on the Best Friend Therapy podcast and flicking through this has prompted so much self-reflection already.
JUMPING | Pilates was cancelled this week because of the #GennyLec (did that term ever catch on?) so I turned to big man Joe Wicks who incorporated WAYYY too many power squats for my liking.
LAUGHING | I had a really nice evening with my family on Thursday and spent so much time laughing. It reminded me that even the most average days can become something totally special and memorable.
SWOONING | Look at this double rainbow! I think it was the brightest rainbow I’ve ever seen, and it went all the way across like in drawings you’d make as a child. It lasted for such a long time as well - normally they disappear within a minute or so but we got to enjoy this one for a really long time. Stun!
WATCHING | Wimbledon, of course! The stamina tennis players have is astounding to me. Also, the most stunning jewellery ever?! I’m pretending I’m at Centre Court with a bowl of Eton Mess.
‘All the lives I will not live’ by
- I read this on Monday night and it was almost therapeutic. My train of thought got carried away with this one - pondering paths I could have taken and how things could have been so different. There’s a lovely sense of acceptance and peace with knowing that there are so many lives that you could have lived, but you will never know. This is a really well written piece.- ’s post ‘Your Journey is Worth Sharing’ is the pep talk you need! I love Emily’s blog Ori - she shares some amazing pearls of wisdom and her post this week is no different. Emily reminds us to pat ourselves on the back for having the confidence to share our work, and not letting self-doubt get in the way. Absolutely worth a read, especially if you feel your motivation flagging!
‘Living in Peace, Fables & Happiness Lists.’ by
- I loved the emphasis Lauren placed on contentment in this article. Her idea of writing a monthly happiness list was right up my street & I will have to give it a try!‘Love Is Worth Believing In’ by
- what a refreshing piece to read, and also a real relief to see someone acknowledge how stressful and difficult this narrative that love doesn’t exist can be, and argue against it.A last minute add, Sleep Terreur by Ruth Crilly. I’m pretty certain that Ruth is the funniest person alive today. I want to be her when I grow up. I restacked this post yesterday because it made me laugh so much and she actually replied to it and I wasn’t sure how to carry on with the rest of my day knowing that Ruth Crilly for a brief moment in time knew of my existence, so I haven’t tagged her account in this because I don’t want her to see it and think I’m a raging fangirl even though I absolutely am. Just read it.
I’m handing over to Nigella for the recipe this week to share one of my favourite dishes ever. It’s her Meatballs with Orzo - such a perfect, no-fuss sort of meal. As the weather’s gone back to being grey and drizzly it’s nice to have something comforting. I’d recommend adding half a teaspoon of chilli flakes into the sauce to give it a little extra kick. Her meatballs are delish, but if you’re short on time I sometimes (read: 99% of the time) just cheat and buy some.
See you next time for the ultimate summer edition of Sunny Side Up! ☀️
Thank you for reading! You might also like…
Sunny Side Up #4: It’s Nice to be Nice!
I just saw your post in my Substack notifications and want to say thank you so much for your kind words - so unbelievably sweet x
Loved this Ella! I was never a Tanya Burr girly but I feel your pain about university - I ended up dropping out shortly after starting my second year because I'd completely lost who I was. Best decision I ever made and, probably, the first one I'd ever truly made for myself.