Such an important read that I instantly had to re-read! I’m so very sorry for what you went through; and it takes courage to put it into words. Thanks for writing this 👏🏻
It’s like that video of a guy asking a group of men if they’d rather be stuck in the woods with a bear or Diddy, and then suddenly they were all choosing the bear. No matter how much we scream into the void, they don’t think about our perspective at all. And yeah I don’t blame Paul either. But it still makes me a little sad that it needs to go this far for men to actually understand.
Right! I think it's definitely something there needs to be far more education about from a much younger age. The simple fact that they are men isn't a good enough reason for them to be oblivious. Thank you for reading Bianca!
Oh Ella, what an amazing post. I know I shouldn't, but I sort-of feel sorry for Paul - I've had these conversations with male friends in the pub or at home and they've been so embarrassed, so it must be mortifying for it to be broadcast to the world. You're totally right, he is just a person with flaws but I really hope he (and men everywhere!) learns from this.
I'm so sorry about your experience too. Devastatingly it's one so many women will know all too well. I remember seeing a post somewhere ages ago that asked women what they'd do if they were a man for a day, and someone replied saying "walk alone at night". It really hit home.
No I completely know what you mean - I don't think he meant anything by it at all. I really hope he's not getting hate - he just needs to learn and I'm sure he will after this whole thing. I read Saoirse's comments about the situation today and she said it was literally just a case of, this is an opportunity to point something out and open the conversation, and she'd have done the same thing if they were having dinner. She definitely did that!
That's such a powerful, poignant response. I think if we were able to do that we would never take it for granted.
Thank you so much for reading Soph and for such a thoughtful comment!
Great post Ella and so important! Sorry you experienced what you did. I’ve also experienced something similar in an area I thought was ‘safe’. It’s terrifying. X
Oh, Ella, I’m so sorry that you experienced that when you were just trying to walk freely in the town you call home. Those men were harassing and intimidating you, they knew exactly how that would make you feel, and if it were to happen now, they could potentially face criminal charges (our local MP tabled a private member’s bill in 2022 that criminalises sex based harassment in a public place and it was successfully made law).
These are exactly the kind of experiences that we hear all the time from women in our DMs on the Reclaim the Night Instagram - it’s honestly so devastating that so many women feel anxious walking alone where they live even in daylight because of the harassment they have been subjected to. It’s so wrong and yet so accepted and normalised by our society that it’s incredibly difficult to make any kind of meaningful change x
Oh wow, I had no idea that was even a thing! I honestly think there should be so much more education in schools regarding this, for boys and girls. I feel like the more we talk about it and the earlier people are educated about it, the more of a difference it could make.
I think your Reclaim the Night event is incredible and SO important. Things like this need as much attention as we can get for them. ♥️
Round of applause to this post Ella. Well said. I'm sorry to hear about your experience that is very frightening. More talk about this is so important and this was so well written <3
I’m sorry you experienced that. It’s infuriating that this is part of being a woman. I just had this conversation with my partner last night after he suggested I catch the train home at 10pm. The fact he doesn’t understand how unsafe I feel doing that frustrates me to no end.
Thank you for reading Anna! I can completely imagine how you felt. It's unbelievable that we have to think about these things in the first place -- there's no way I'd get on a train that late by myself either! I understand they don't mean anything by it but it feels impossible to convey to them how alarming it feels for us
So so sorry this happened to you. And so sorry for all of us women that have experienced this/fear this.
I remember after a while of knowing my boyfriend he finally asked why I always glance below the car as I approach, check through the windows of my car before getting in, and immediately lock the doors as I shut mine. It had never occurred to him that it was for safety — he had just thought it was an odd habit. Once I explained he was silent for a long while after and admitted it was something he has never even thought about. Thank you for sharing this!!
I applauded when this moment happened on Norton! You could hear a pin drop in the studio, hear the truth suddenly settling into so many minds. I'm sorry to hear about your experience too, you're very brave to share it 💕
Thank you Florentyna!! I don't think I've ever seen a moment like that on a chat show before - probably why it's become such a talking point. Thank you so much for reading 🩵
To add a nuance here that might encourage contrarian men to think more productively/be open to the conversation …
Men do have to worry about their safety in public. Male privilege doesn’t extend so far as to guarantee 100% safety all the time. So when they respond “I have to think about that too,” they’re not wrong.
The difference between the experience of women and men here is that women have to worry about their safety 1000x more frequently than men do.
“Imagine a time that you felt unsafe … now imagine that happening every single day of your life … “
And yes, it is outrageous that such conversations need to be framed in a way to convince men of such things. It should be enough for women to just say it to be taken seriously.
Delilah Bon has an amazing song about this, “Chop Dicks.”
Quoting some lyrics:
Cause all the boys with their hands on their dicks
And their mind on the money and the cars and the chicks
You don't know about the lonely walk home
With your keys in your hand getting ready to chop dicks
Cause you don't have to re-think what you're wearing
Pretend that you're listening to music to stop them staring
Popping in to share an experience I hope validates other women!! I worked in downtown Nashville for about two years, in the winter the sun would set super early in the afternoon, and I worked a mid shift so I would get off around 7:30 pm. there was this understood rule that we did not walk to our parking garage a couple of blocks away alone, we had a buddy system as women- I would essentially pack my things ten minutes before I got off so I wouldn’t be left behind and if my friends weren’t there that day I would trail behind other people I knew were coworkers. I thought if I wasn’t alone nothing bad would happen. Even walking in a group of five, we were all girls and a car full of men drove past us super slowly and they yelled truly disgusting things at us we had no choice but to walk past them but they were literally threatening to kidnap us and laughing. I have countless stories of this happening and even more scary stories from fellow girlfriends that worked downtown it was actually horrific and I was scared to walk alone in daylight, to the point I wouldn’t walk even with just one other friend.
What irks me about men saying we’re less likely is that men don’t get the intimidation that can occur from simply a stranger staring at you, or the extremes of being followed or yelled at from afar. It’s completely jarring and scary. It can become normal to us and that kind of thing isn’t reportable. There’s a reason we feel the way we do and we are so valid to be asking for more from our current systems to support safety I don’t think it’s too much to ask we need a culture shift! 🫶🏼 ty for this I thought this was so good and needed! Your experience is truly awful I’m so sorry that happened to you!
Thank you for sharing this with us Liz, and I'm sorry you had that experience. It sounds horrible. You should never have to be in that position.
Yes! Completely agree. It doesn't even need to be something 'big', something as simple as a look or proximity can be enough to shake us. Talking to boys about it sometimes makes me feel like I'm being silly, which is why it's so important for us girls to discuss it together and validate one another!!
I so appreciate you leaving this comment, thank you for being open. I'm sure so many women will relate to what you have experienced <3
Ella thank you 🙏🏽🥹 I totally agree it’s so tough to even breech as a topic because you can be met with straight up apathy or misunderstandings and that can be so discouraging also just disappointing. The more we speak up though the more understanding there is I think! Making the world a better place one day at a time truly. Thanks for this post and allowing me to have a place to put that story. I do hope it helps someone feel less alone!
Such an important read that I instantly had to re-read! I’m so very sorry for what you went through; and it takes courage to put it into words. Thanks for writing this 👏🏻
Thank you so much Harriet! ♥️
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you Katie!! 🩵
It’s like that video of a guy asking a group of men if they’d rather be stuck in the woods with a bear or Diddy, and then suddenly they were all choosing the bear. No matter how much we scream into the void, they don’t think about our perspective at all. And yeah I don’t blame Paul either. But it still makes me a little sad that it needs to go this far for men to actually understand.
Right! I think it's definitely something there needs to be far more education about from a much younger age. The simple fact that they are men isn't a good enough reason for them to be oblivious. Thank you for reading Bianca!
Oh Ella, what an amazing post. I know I shouldn't, but I sort-of feel sorry for Paul - I've had these conversations with male friends in the pub or at home and they've been so embarrassed, so it must be mortifying for it to be broadcast to the world. You're totally right, he is just a person with flaws but I really hope he (and men everywhere!) learns from this.
I'm so sorry about your experience too. Devastatingly it's one so many women will know all too well. I remember seeing a post somewhere ages ago that asked women what they'd do if they were a man for a day, and someone replied saying "walk alone at night". It really hit home.
A brilliant post, thank you <3
No I completely know what you mean - I don't think he meant anything by it at all. I really hope he's not getting hate - he just needs to learn and I'm sure he will after this whole thing. I read Saoirse's comments about the situation today and she said it was literally just a case of, this is an opportunity to point something out and open the conversation, and she'd have done the same thing if they were having dinner. She definitely did that!
That's such a powerful, poignant response. I think if we were able to do that we would never take it for granted.
Thank you so much for reading Soph and for such a thoughtful comment!
Great post Ella and so important! Sorry you experienced what you did. I’ve also experienced something similar in an area I thought was ‘safe’. It’s terrifying. X
Thank you Emily! I'm sorry you've experienced it too - it's such a shame that this is something we have to deal with. ♥️
Oh, Ella, I’m so sorry that you experienced that when you were just trying to walk freely in the town you call home. Those men were harassing and intimidating you, they knew exactly how that would make you feel, and if it were to happen now, they could potentially face criminal charges (our local MP tabled a private member’s bill in 2022 that criminalises sex based harassment in a public place and it was successfully made law).
These are exactly the kind of experiences that we hear all the time from women in our DMs on the Reclaim the Night Instagram - it’s honestly so devastating that so many women feel anxious walking alone where they live even in daylight because of the harassment they have been subjected to. It’s so wrong and yet so accepted and normalised by our society that it’s incredibly difficult to make any kind of meaningful change x
Oh wow, I had no idea that was even a thing! I honestly think there should be so much more education in schools regarding this, for boys and girls. I feel like the more we talk about it and the earlier people are educated about it, the more of a difference it could make.
I think your Reclaim the Night event is incredible and SO important. Things like this need as much attention as we can get for them. ♥️
Round of applause to this post Ella. Well said. I'm sorry to hear about your experience that is very frightening. More talk about this is so important and this was so well written <3
Thank you Ciara!! I appreciate this so much ♥️
I’m sorry you experienced that. It’s infuriating that this is part of being a woman. I just had this conversation with my partner last night after he suggested I catch the train home at 10pm. The fact he doesn’t understand how unsafe I feel doing that frustrates me to no end.
Thank you for reading Anna! I can completely imagine how you felt. It's unbelievable that we have to think about these things in the first place -- there's no way I'd get on a train that late by myself either! I understand they don't mean anything by it but it feels impossible to convey to them how alarming it feels for us
So so sorry this happened to you. And so sorry for all of us women that have experienced this/fear this.
I remember after a while of knowing my boyfriend he finally asked why I always glance below the car as I approach, check through the windows of my car before getting in, and immediately lock the doors as I shut mine. It had never occurred to him that it was for safety — he had just thought it was an odd habit. Once I explained he was silent for a long while after and admitted it was something he has never even thought about. Thank you for sharing this!!
I applauded when this moment happened on Norton! You could hear a pin drop in the studio, hear the truth suddenly settling into so many minds. I'm sorry to hear about your experience too, you're very brave to share it 💕
Thank you Florentyna!! I don't think I've ever seen a moment like that on a chat show before - probably why it's become such a talking point. Thank you so much for reading 🩵
Very on point! Thank you.
To add a nuance here that might encourage contrarian men to think more productively/be open to the conversation …
Men do have to worry about their safety in public. Male privilege doesn’t extend so far as to guarantee 100% safety all the time. So when they respond “I have to think about that too,” they’re not wrong.
The difference between the experience of women and men here is that women have to worry about their safety 1000x more frequently than men do.
“Imagine a time that you felt unsafe … now imagine that happening every single day of your life … “
And yes, it is outrageous that such conversations need to be framed in a way to convince men of such things. It should be enough for women to just say it to be taken seriously.
Delilah Bon has an amazing song about this, “Chop Dicks.”
Quoting some lyrics:
Cause all the boys with their hands on their dicks
And their mind on the money and the cars and the chicks
You don't know about the lonely walk home
With your keys in your hand getting ready to chop dicks
Cause you don't have to re-think what you're wearing
Pretend that you're listening to music to stop them staring
Popping in to share an experience I hope validates other women!! I worked in downtown Nashville for about two years, in the winter the sun would set super early in the afternoon, and I worked a mid shift so I would get off around 7:30 pm. there was this understood rule that we did not walk to our parking garage a couple of blocks away alone, we had a buddy system as women- I would essentially pack my things ten minutes before I got off so I wouldn’t be left behind and if my friends weren’t there that day I would trail behind other people I knew were coworkers. I thought if I wasn’t alone nothing bad would happen. Even walking in a group of five, we were all girls and a car full of men drove past us super slowly and they yelled truly disgusting things at us we had no choice but to walk past them but they were literally threatening to kidnap us and laughing. I have countless stories of this happening and even more scary stories from fellow girlfriends that worked downtown it was actually horrific and I was scared to walk alone in daylight, to the point I wouldn’t walk even with just one other friend.
What irks me about men saying we’re less likely is that men don’t get the intimidation that can occur from simply a stranger staring at you, or the extremes of being followed or yelled at from afar. It’s completely jarring and scary. It can become normal to us and that kind of thing isn’t reportable. There’s a reason we feel the way we do and we are so valid to be asking for more from our current systems to support safety I don’t think it’s too much to ask we need a culture shift! 🫶🏼 ty for this I thought this was so good and needed! Your experience is truly awful I’m so sorry that happened to you!
Thank you for sharing this with us Liz, and I'm sorry you had that experience. It sounds horrible. You should never have to be in that position.
Yes! Completely agree. It doesn't even need to be something 'big', something as simple as a look or proximity can be enough to shake us. Talking to boys about it sometimes makes me feel like I'm being silly, which is why it's so important for us girls to discuss it together and validate one another!!
I so appreciate you leaving this comment, thank you for being open. I'm sure so many women will relate to what you have experienced <3
Ella thank you 🙏🏽🥹 I totally agree it’s so tough to even breech as a topic because you can be met with straight up apathy or misunderstandings and that can be so discouraging also just disappointing. The more we speak up though the more understanding there is I think! Making the world a better place one day at a time truly. Thanks for this post and allowing me to have a place to put that story. I do hope it helps someone feel less alone!