The rom-com is a state of mind

On embracing every moment of your extraordinary, ordinary life.

Sep 20, 2024

For me, watching a romantic comedy is like taking my morning vitamins. They revive me after a bad day, fuel me with hope and inspiration, and reframe my outlook on life when it falls askew. My playlist is full of the songs that soundtrack my favourite meet-cutes, my vocabulary is glittered with phrases written by Nora Ephron, and my senses are always on the lookout for the possibility of something magical just around the corner.

Too often I hear the argument that rom-coms aren’t realistic and that real life isn’t like the movies. I disagree! I think rom-coms are underestimated. They’re not all rainbows and sunshine like they’re made out to be.

I try and live my life as though I am in a Nancy Meyers movie, and you cannot convince me that this is a naive approach to living. On the contrary - it makes me happier, and I think it will help you, too.

I think people are focusing too heavily on the love story in a rom-com, and that’s why they’re perceived as out of touch. The key is to remember two crucial factors:

The obstacles the leading characters are faced with
That sometimes, just sometimes, good, magical things can happen

So, in today’s article, I am making the case that the rom-com is just a state of mind. Grab a cuppa and a packet of Jammie Dodgers, this is going to be a long one.

Important note: you do not need a love interest to live your life like it’s a rom-com. You just need love, in whatever form it takes. A partner, a friend, a relative, a pet, a hobby, yourself.

1: Obstacles

They’re going to come our way even after happily ever after, and we’ll need to bounce back every time.

Accepting Imperfection

There is an abundance of rom-coms featuring tortured souls. In Sleepless in Seattle, Tom Hanks is grieving the loss of his wife, and Meg Ryan is in the wrong relationship. In The Holiday, Iris is trapped in a toxic cycle with her ex, and weighed down by feelings of inadequacy. In Letters to Juliet, Sophie’s slowly coming to terms with the breakdown of her engagement. Who came up with the concept that in a rom-com life is perfect?! More often than not, our lead characters are dealing with something.

We’re also not met with perfect people - Jenna in 13 Going on 30 wakes up as a cold, unfeeling person with no genuine friendships. Harry in When Harry Met Sally is a cynic working through the pain of divorce.

What I’m trying to say is characters in rom-coms aren’t all perfect figures who have their lives cut out with them. I’m also going to need you to approach this with an open mind - I realise they’ve had their lives literally written but that doesn’t mean they’re void of humanity.

This might be a good place to point out there’s a big difference between a Hallmark/Vanessa Hudgens Netflix Christmas style of rom-com and a Nancy Meyers-Nora Ephron-Reese Witherspoon kind of rom-com. We’re discussing the latter. For the purposes of this article, Vanessa Hudgens, as much as we love her, exists in a fantasy realm. Real life is not The Princess Switch, as much as I wish it were.

Imperfections are part of life. Having a difficult day doesn’t mean you’re doing things wrong. It doesn’t mean you can’t have the life you’ve always dreamed of. It just means you’re a human whose days don’t all look the same. Remember that it’s all part of the plot. All feelings, positive or negative, are fleeting. Accept them as they come. 90% of life is how we react to what happens to us, no matter how bad things can feel.

This isn’t to say that some things don’t completely knock us for six. Of course they do. There are some things that you simply can’t put a positive spin on. The point I’m trying to make here is that even when things do go wrong, it doesn't mean it’s game over. We can still make the best of it, even if it’s tiny and simple. Have a hot shower, make your favourite dinner, phone your best friend. Depending on the situation, we can see it as a new opportunity, a time to build on our connections, or reconnect with ourselves. There is something to be taken from everything.

Overcoming the obstacle

I argue that the best part of a rom-com is the montage set to an empowering anthem where the lead gets on the treadmill, smashes a presentation, goes on an unbelievable shopping spree, and pulls themselves together. It’s euphoric. To demonstrate the ways in which we can overcome our hardships rom-com style, I’m going to use two of the best characters of all time: Elle Woods and Iris Simpkins.

Elle (Legally Blonde)
Girl is dumped by boyfriend. Girl is devastated. Girl decides to get boyfriend back by enrolling in the same law school. Law school and winning back boyfriend is harder than anticipated. Girl decides she is worth more than what she is getting and ramps it up a gear.
Instead of quitting and deciding it’s too difficult, Elle digs deep and works harder. “I’ll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be!” is undoubtedly my number one motivational quote. With a bit of self-belief and determination, Elle exceeds all expectations. Sometimes it’s about getting out of your own way. In doing so, she discovers her passion. Like Elle, you might just discover a new love for life.

Iris (The Holiday)
Admittedly, very few of us can just pop over to L.A. to revive ourselves. Let’s just gloss over that part for a minute. This is about how she responds once she gets there.
When we meet Iris, she’s at rock bottom. She uses her trip to L.A. as an opportunity to finally open up. She seeks out new connections and friendships, and makes an effort to increase her circle, create new opportunities for herself, and invest in herself by sharing her love with others, and receiving it in return. Iris acknowledges the difficulty of her situation; accepting this means she can accept the possibility of a new beginning. If she hadn’t done this, she wouldn’t have found the inner strength to reclaim her narrative at the end of the movie. I can’t find the original article for this but I am pretty sure that Nancy Meyers wrote Iris to help her get through a similar situation of her own. If Nancy can do it, so can you.

Remember - you’re the main character!

You need to remind yourself frequently that this is your life. You don’t need to live it to anyone else’s standard. This isn’t always easy, and it certainly doesn’t come naturally to most of us, but try talking to yourself like you would a friend. I began by speaking hyperbolically and complimenting myself excessively as a joke but I think it accidentally worked. There are times when you’ll need to be your own cheerleader, and times when you will need to stand up for yourself.

Dress for the life you want, take the chance, act like your favourite version of you. Implement positive habits and let go of the things weighing you down. All the inspirational quotes you save on Pinterest - listen to them. Be intentional.

“You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God’s sake!”

2: Sometimes good things happen

Most days are average. We can still make them special.

Find joy in the little things

It doesn’t take a huge romantic gesture to make a day special. The easiest way to make your life feel like a rom-com is to allow yourself to experience the joy of the small things in life.

For this, we’re taking inspiration from the Danish - it’s all about hygge. For those of you unfamiliar with the term hygge, it’s a way of living that aims to embrace life’s simple pleasures to create a harmonious life. Writer Meik Wiking, author of The Little Book of Hygge and CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Denmark (wow), describes it as "the pursuit of everyday pleasures”.

Picture the scene: leaves are crisp amber with the turn of autumn. Outside it’s bitter, but you’re warm inside in your softest clothes. Your kitchen glows golden with candle light. A hot pan sizzles as you cook your favourite dinner, the comforting aromas filling the room. You hum along to your favourite songs playing gently in the background. Hygge.

Personally, the easiest ways I create hygge moments are when I go to the pub for a Sunday dinner with my family, when I cook a nourishing meal, watching a film with a hot chocolate when the rain is hitting the windows, and writing in my nook in the evenings. These are times when I feel a sense of serenity, and I can relax into the moment. It’s about finding small ways every day to be present. Your first cup of tea in the office, your favourite song coming on the radio on the drive home, a text from your best friend - zoom in on these moments and see what a difference it makes to your day.

One of my favourite scenes in The Wedding Planner is when Jennifer Lopez is being fabulous at work and they say “I bet she lives the most romantic life” and then it cuts to her coming home from work alone, sticking a microwave meal on a tray, and watching Antiques Roadshow. Just a reminder that we don’t need to do it all.

Bonus points if at the end of the day you compile all the moments into a little gratitude list. Every time something good happens, jot it down in the notes app on your phone. I know it’s said all the time, but it really does help you to focus on all the joy that already exists in your life, no matter how insignificant it might seem. The more you focus on the good, the easier it will be to find.

Love actually is all around

I want to take a second to address the accusation that rom-coms give unrealistic expectations of love. First of all, this depends on the person. You might be with someone who loves a big gesture. You might not - it doesn’t make the relationship any less special or romantic. The way each individual expresses love is unique to them. Isn’t that great?!

Secondly, the way people meet in rom-coms. I know it seems to be virtually impossible in this day and age, but are the ways people meet in the movies really that unusual?

When Harry Met Sally - mutual friends
Set It Up - work
Legally Blonde - university
Anyone But You - a coffee shop
About Time - a restaurant, a museum, or a party (depending on the scene lol)

Who’s to say these things can’t or won’t happen? Every meet-cute is cute, and every love story is special no matter how it starts.

To make a controversial suggestion - in some cases, the romance in a rom-com isn’t even the most important part. There is always something the lead character achieves or learns about themselves that really makes the difference to the storyline. For example, who cares about Elle getting with Emmett when she’s just nailed the courtroom in a hot pink suit?! Iris and Miles don’t even get together until the very end - the point of the movie isn’t Iris getting a nice boyfriend, it’s the fact that she finds the inner strength to recover from something destroying her emotionally.

Having said that, a life without love is cold. I’d like you to stop for a moment and ask yourself where you find love in your life. Is it a partner, or a friend? Do you love your job, or have a hobby you’d like to spend all your time doing? Do you have a pet that makes your heart swell? Maybe you’re the love of your own life. In my opinion, the best movie to give examples of all the different types of love we can experience is Love Actually. Richard Curtis writes people so well.

Every day, or at least every week, find some time to spend with the people you love, or doing the thing you love. It will do wonders.

Happy endings

As determined as the media are to convince us otherwise, great things happen every day. Babies take their first steps, couples get engaged, people get their dream jobs and the keys to their first houses. One of these days, something great will happen to you, too.

I credit my Dad with instilling in us the expectation of something good. When I’ve had bad days and feel like it’s never going to get better, he reminds me that I could have the best day of my life tomorrow, and I don’t even know it yet.

Buried amongst the mundane are days filled with magic and miracles. Live every day knowing that today could be one of those days. If it’s not, live it looking out for the moments that put you on cloud nine for a minute.

Finally, what’s your soundtrack?

All the best rom-coms have an amazing soundtrack. Create a great playlist, and sing into your hairbrush every morning. Dance around your house Hugh Grant style. Natasha Beddingfield when you’re getting ready in the mornings, Colbie Caillat for your afternoon coffee, and Louis Armstrong when you’re cooking dinner for your friends.

So, that concludes my argument that you can live your life as if it were a romantic comedy. And you don’t even need the romance. It helps if you’re funny, though. All it takes is a little bit of effort to look at your life as though it’s something special, because it really, truly is.

I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.

About Time (2013)