Sunny Side Up #11: Conquering my fear of the year! 🪩🫶🏻🤠
Turns out I can still make the whole place shimmer!
I booked tickets to the Eras Tour in 2023. It took me an hour and a half on a break from writing my dissertation, and by the end I could have thrown up - it was that stressful.
When I first saw Taylor I was 10 years old and I was so overwhelmed by her presence that I hyperventilated. It was a lot to process! She was actually real! I’ve been a worrier for as long as I can remember, and looking back, the fact that I was able to go to a concert in a big crowd was a massive achievement for little me.
It surprised me that thirteen (😉) years later the prospect of going to see Taylor Swift in concert sent my anxiety into an all time high. It was SO exciting, but I couldn’t think about going without my stomach churning. I felt immensely guilty: so many people would be thrilled to have this opportunity, and so was I… so why did I feel this way? I didn’t even want to talk about the concert because it would just make me panic so much I’d burst into tears. I’m not sure if this bout of anxiety was strictly down to the concert or whether it was because I actually had nothing to feel anxious about, and this is such an unusual thing for me that it had to latch onto something. Strange how sometimes we feel more comfortable when we’re uncomfortable.
To give you an overview, this has been a real pain for the whole year. Eight months of working through an unreasonable level of cortisol, chatting to a therapist, breathing techniques, using Joe Wicks' workouts as a crutch (love that man!). At one point I didn’t want to leave the house and couldn’t make it through a work day without crying (shoutout to my work pals for your patience, love u!). This one wobble evolved into health anxiety, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, and sleepless nights. After five long months, I was prescribed a small dose of medication to help me manage the state I’d found myself in.
And it all started with a little worry about a concert, something I should have been bouncing off the walls excited about.
It’s taken me nearly a year of hard work to feel excited about this concert. I’m a bit embarrassed to say it, especially as the Eras Tour is such a huge phenomenon and I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to go, and with my sister of all people! However, I also feel like it’s important to share that anxiety doesn’t just save itself for practical and logical stuff, and it doesn’t always sit still. This one spiralled into a whole tornado - I started panicking about things I’d never even thought about before! It grew into something much more than the concert.
Just know that as I was there screaming along to Fearless that it took me a lot to get there. But I did it! We are stronger and capable of far more than our minds will have us believe.
I’d love to know something you’ve done recently that you’re proud of! Let me know in the comments.
ORGANISING | Since my Easily Influenced article I’ve been determined to be more mindful about my shopping habits. As suggested by The Anna Edit, I downloaded Indyx and omg what a game changer. My new obsession is shopping my own wardrobe and planning my outfits. I feel like Cher from Clueless.
LAUGHING | We went to see the screening of Andrew Scott's Present Laughter on Monday night. I saw it when it was on the first time round and have said ever since that I’d love to see it again, and finally the opportunity came! It was just as good as I remember. If you ever get a chance to catch it, you must.
SUPPORTING | The football season has returned! Our first home game was on Tuesday and I have missed it so much. Also, groundbreaking for me but probably not for anyone else, the stadium has started offering herbal teas at half time which is such a game changer. They also do the best sausage rolls in the world.
SINGING | To Taylor Swift. Duh. See pics. Surprise Songs! Thursday - Guitar: Everything Has Changed x End Game x Thinking Out Loud (cannot believe my luck), Piano: King of My Heart x The Alchemy | Saturday - Guitar: I Did Something Bad, Piano: My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys x Coney Island
Let me tell you about my imaginary boyfriend by
(far too relatable)I broke up with my therapist by
(felt like I wrote this myself) (have read this at least five times now)’s recipe for Churro-pretzel dulce de leche cookies (will be trying these as soon as the leaves turn amber)How To Dress Like The Row (Without Buying From The Row) by
(stopped me from crying about the fact that I’ll never own a chocolate brown Margaux bag)
you got the show with ed sheeran, i am JEALOUS!!! also, i comple relate to the anxiety you described — mine manifests in social gatherings, but the feeling of numbness and dread are all the same. been obsessing over ur substack as i just came across it 🥺🥺😍😍
I am SO proud of you 😭😭😭 I’m tearing up reading this from our little chateau in France ❤️